It's a beautiful morning. I want to tell you what I'm feeling and thinking since my husband left. I am finding it very hard and there are times when it's really really lonely. There are times when I cannot sleep. I wake up in the middle of the night and I think of him. Before my husband passed away, if I woke up in the middle of the night I would just put my arms around him. Sometimes I would be shocked at how small he became when I had my arms around him. I would wonder how he was going to do because he was getting so small. There were times when I didn't wake him up when he was sick and when I had my arms around him. I didn't tell him that I was worried but I felt so bad for him.
So today I do not want to sleep alone. When I sleep alone I feel like hugging and wrapping my arms around my grandchildren because I care so much about them.
I never really knew how hard this was going to be. It's really difficult when a husband leaves his wife after they have been together for so many years. I told my children this is all too sudden. Your dad left so soon and we all didn't expect this at all. I often think about the wonderful things we did together and how happy he made me. Before he became sick we use to get up in the morning and have breakfast together. On beautiful mornings we'd talk about what our plans would be for the day. We had our arguments and disagreements but we always made our plans together. Sometimes he'd say he wanted to do this and I'd do my own thing.
We were always happy when our grandchildren wanted to come to the country with us, as well, as Sheshatshiu. They often made us laugh when we were all together.
This is such a hard time for me. I really miss my husband. Since he became sober in 1992, he was a different man. He did things for me and treated me well. He loved all his children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren. He treated them well. He wasn't the same man when he gave up drinking. He was a good man, husband and father.
This is my story.